Will The Real Cid Please Stand Up
by Phoenix18
Summary: It's probably been done before... but what the heck! A parody of Eminem's 'Real Slim Shady' featuring the Cids! Rated PG-13 for the swearing.


Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy. Wish I did. Don't we all. Anyway, here's my parody. Enjoy!   
  
=========================  
  
May I have your attention please?  
May I have your attention please?  
Will the real Cid please stand up?  
I repeat, will the real Cid please stand up?  
We're gonna have a problem here...  
  
(Highwind steps forward)  
Y'all look like you never seen an airship pilot before  
Callin' down airstrikes to bust holes in the floor,  
An' startin' whippin' Sephiroth's ass worse than before  
When he turned into Bizzaro inside the planet's core {Ahhh!}  
Well we returned from there... Ah, wait, no way, you're kiddin',  
He didn't just say what I think he said, did he?  
That HE'S the real Cid? I AM you idiots!   
You other Cids are dead, I'll poison your goddam tea!   
Aries and Tifa love Cid Highwind, {Aries and Tifa: Eeew!}  
"Highwind, I'm so in love with him,  
Look at him, walkin' around swingin' his lance  
Flippin' the Shinra onto their ass - Yeah, and he's so cute too!" {A&T: In your dreams!}  
Yeah, I probably got a few screws loose  
But no worse than my beauty Highwind  
Sometimes I just wanna pull that emergency lever and let it loose,   
Like Cloud's Omnislash - but his power's a ruse  
"Look at that limit, he's the star of the game!"  
And only if we're lucky do we get to fight,  
And that's the message Square deliver to FF players,   
And expect them to appoint him as their main monster slayer,   
Of course they won't know the other characters' might  
Even when they hit CD three   
They got Omnislash, don't they?   
"They ain't nothing but weaklings..." Well when some of the beatings {Pound thump whack!}  
Send poor Cloud to the ground, only THEN the players found  
I can kick more ass than sorry pokey-head could!  
An' all your sorry fake-Cid asses too! {Aahhh!}  
You wanna mess with me, I can take down all of you!   
Tifa wave your pantyhose, sing the chorous and it- {Slap!} Argh!  
  
Tifa: Shut your mouth!  
  
My name's Cid an' I'm the real Cid  
All you other 'Cids': Who'ya tryin' to kid?  
So won't the real Cid-man please stand up, please stand up, please stand up, {Dammit Tifa that hurt!}  
  
My name's Cid an' I'm the real Cid  
All you other 'Cids': Who'ya tryin' to kid?  
So won't the real Cid-man please stand up, please stand up, please stand up,   
  
(Balamb Cid steps forward)  
You all have to fight to protect your names?   
Well I don't, so f*ck you all! {Gasp!}  
Yes that surprised you: I'm only a 'mild-mannered' teacher,  
But I can swear - behind these glasses I'm no preacher  
You think I give a damn about honour?  
Me an' my gigantic stomach don't have to stand you,  
"But Cid, what if they attack you, you'll be cut into dog chews!"   
Not when I have the SeeDs at my command  
Who'll slash you into pieces finer than sand  
An' when your sorry bloodstains've been mopped away  
I'll go sit next to Squall, who'll say  
How he chopped off your head first, or watched Irvine blow you away  
While all the girls in this place who want a SeeD entry  
Whisper "Yeah, he's cute, but I think he's with Rinoa, hehe!"   
So come on you wimps, I'll make you see  
That the only worthy Cid in the whole world's me,  
And there may be a million of us just like me,   
Who pilot airships just like me,  
Who teach like me and sometimes help save the world like me,  
And just might be the next best thing but not me!   
  
My name's Cid and I'm the real Cid  
All you other 'Cids': Who'ya tryin' to kid?  
So won't the real Cid-man please stand up, please stand up, please stand up,   
  
My name's Cid and I'm the real Cid  
All you other 'Cids': Who'ya tryin' to kid?  
So won't the real Cid-man please stand up, please stand up, please stand up,  
  
(Al-Bhed Cid steps forward)  
I've got a bald head to look at: You think I give a damn?  
Yo' father was a baldy too, and probably your *Sudran*! {Huh?}  
The only difference is I got the balls to show it  
In front of y'all and I don't gotta wear a goddam toupe at all  
Or goggles on my head to hold back that girly style {Highwind!}  
But whether you like to admit it the ONLY Cid round here is me,  
Better than 100 percent of you;  
Dispute it and *E'mm neb ouin pmuuto pymmc uvv oui!*  
My airship's cannon'll blow you away, you'll see!   
You'll wonder how could Sin ever screw up our planet  
With such machina to use (But it breaks too much, godammit!)  
And when I gotta fix it it's tirin'  
When I'm repairin' an' wirin' but this bag of shit cannon ain't firin' {Hud ykyeh!)  
But I mean, Shit, what's the point? Every Final fantasy has a Cid   
An' he'll always be workin' on a flyin' machine  
So no matter how we cuss we'll never be rid  
Of the stream of guys who claim that from when they were kids  
That they worked in an airship an' took the name Cid  
'Cause Square just ain't got the imagination  
To pull us out of continuation   
And think up a different job, a different name  
Hell, we're all just the same!  
So will all the Cids from FF's one through to ten  
Be proud to be loud and sing it again  
  
My name's Cid and I'm the real Cid  
All you other 'Cids': Who'ya tryin' to kid?  
So won't the real Cid-man please stand up, please stand up, please stand up,   
  
My name's Cid and I'm the real Cid  
All you other 'Cids': Who'ya tryin' to kid?  
So won't the real Cid-man please stand up, please stand up, please stand up,  
  
Ha Ha  
Guess there's a Cid in every Final Fantasy  
F*ck it, let's all stand up  
  
Highwind: Not if I can help it!   
*Slams a control on his belt and rockets streak down from the sky, anniahlating the podium. Albhed Cid leaps forward to punch Highwind, and a moment later an army of SeeDs rushes forwards to join the fray. Two figures, unnoticed, look on from the shadows.*  
  
Regent Cid: Jolly glad I didn't turn up on time - what a rabble! Come, Hilda, we'll take our leave.  
  
*Turns to go and a stray rocket explodes next to him, flinging him into the brawling crowd*  
  
Highwind: Who the hell're you?  
  
Regent: I'm Regent Cid, and don't you take such an officious-  
  
Highwind: ANOTHER CID!?! DAMN YOU!!! *Punches him in the face*  
  
============================  
Author's note: And that's the end. You can tell by the way it ends right on the above line. Up there ^. Yup. Anywho. Comments, criticisms, improvements much appreciated. If you think it's crud then... well, I think I agree. Still not satisfied with it... oh well. Flaming will be answered by a ravaging scourge of counterfire - They don't call me Phoenix for nothin', you know.  
  
-=Phoenix=- 


End file.
